Have you ever felt like you were drowning? Maybe this has happend to you. Maybe you had friends that would dunk you in the pool or you’ve had dreams of drowning. That lack of oxygen, how the pressure gets to your head, your face just wants to burst open for that big gulp of air. But you can’t. Your without one of the very necessities of life. You can’t sustain this state for very long without major trauma or death.

I am drowning.  This is not the first time in my life. After my divorce I began to sink. Soon the slow sinking became a terrible spiral. My life was falling apart. I wasnt the person I had been striving to be. I was drowning in my loneliness, in my depression, in hopelessness. One night I walked into a resteraunt and suddenly my lungs were full of air. I was gulping for air, gasping inside, feeling the rush of warm blood back to my limbs and feeling dizzy. I had met Joshua Stewart for the first time.

We had a whirlwind relationship.  We had both been drowning and suddenly we were filled with air. We laughed, we spent every minute together, we told each other our past troubles.  After we had began to apply the salve to each others wounds we began to look forward. Once our eyes weren’t so focused on our desperate situations and took our minds out of survival mode we began to see a pin light of hope.  We both followed this together, side by side, one day at a time.  Soon those days became months and on January 5th 2015 we had reached the surface and were married.

I have never felt such joy and fulfillment in a relationship. To be fully supported by someone you love feels like flying; like you can do anything. He is an artist like me.

He is a powerful musician

with a calling on his life.  He has purpose to his life outside of me. He stands strongly in his beliefs and is a natural leader. He is a miracle to me.  I had lost all hope.  I never planned on being a family with someone ever again. The air he breathed into my shrinking lungs lifted me above my guilt and gave me hope. He truly is God’s grace in my life.

Before I was married and trying to navigate my life as a single, full time, working mother and student I had been talking to one of my old preachers from Indiana.  He reminded me of the story of Jonah and the whale.  I had always thought that when Jonah was thrown overboard and swallowed by the whale that was Gods punishment on Jonah’s life.  The preacher presented it to me another way.  Jonah was hidding from God.  The storm had come and Jonah was prepared to die in his faithlessness. Prepared to drown.  However, God sent a whale to save Jonah not to punish him.

Without the whale Jonah would have died. God still had a purpose for Jonah’s life.  The whale was God’s grace in Jonah’s life.

Josh is my whale.

I said I was drowning and I feel the familiar sensations. I need his breath, his touch, his comfort. I have never been away from him this long. I miss my best friend.

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